21 May 2006

Ribena Vs Rapeman

The Ribena advert:

Quite apart from the creepy anthropomorphisms (though not as creepy as Kinder Bueno's take on the Restaurant At The End Of The Universe) there's a semantic flicker in the tagline that's giving me the fear.

I mean, do they mean that Ribena take 95% of all available Blackcurrants and then make them into cordial? Is that knowledge of an near-monopoly supposed to make we want to join the Ribena Revolution? It's like counter-counter-counter culture...

And if 95% of blackcurrants do make it then why so many? Where's the Quality Control?

And if Ribena have 95% is that why I'm pretty sure I have never tasted blackcurrants in their natural state, apart from on the top of Cheesecakes (i.e not at all their natural state unless picked on the Lufton Manor Cheesecake farms), when my family spend hundreds of pounds devouring other fruit by the plateful?

Aparently Steve Albini, of Big Black, Rapeman, Shellac 'rocket guitar' fame is with me on the Ribena Wars. He's set up an anti-Ribena docu-site, The Other 5%, which hopes to uncover the truth, or bits of it, in time for Ribena's 70th anniversary celebrations to be held in Desolation, Herts. on September 12th. On the webside people will be encouraged to wear Olive green clothes - the opposite of purple - and join in a ten mile ring around the secret Ribena Depository (location to be released nearer the time to avoid caravanning complications).

Be careful. As Steve says: "Once false move and we'll all be looking for Grape Yoghurt."

Rapeman - Steak and Black Onions

A Yousendit Whatsinaname Complex

8 comments:

kek-w said...

Lufton Manor Cheesecake farms...lol!

Let's copyright that and market it/sell it to Tescos before someone else does.

Someone I know stole a mannequin dressed in WW1 clobber (w/ fake wounds) from the set of "The Monocled Mutineer" (he was an extra) and used to ride around w/ it on the back of his motorcycle. He used to take it to The Rifleman pub in Glastonbury and buy it pints. He called the dummy 'Crash-out Colin'...one night the police spotted him and chased him round the country lanes w/ the dummy on the back...he knew someone who worked in Lufton Manor so he drove in there and dropped his bike (and the dummy) and ran off an hid in a ditch til the police gave up on went on ...Viva Lufton Manor!

Genius post, btw.

Loki said...

here lies the beginning of the infamous Lufton Manor thread, snaking it's way to not even one corner of the informative supra-web... a rescue Colin trip anyone?

kek-w said...

We've just come back from Ham Hill...and I made Chris drive past Lufton Manor. No sign of Colin, sadly...but it appears they've opened a (wait for it!) Lufton Manor Tea Shop (!!??) presumably selling blackcurrent cheesecake.

Damn! Another world-beating commerce idea thwarted. We'll have to start our own record-label or something instead. (Lufton Records)

Loki said...

we have to... we're struggling on looks and brains but between us we must have something (I'm being modest: we're both beautiful in every way)...

How about Lufton Plant Hire? Lufton Manor Taxis? Lufton Rent-a-Ghost? Lufton Hokey Dokey Lessons? Lufton Manor Spring Water (filtered through layers of Special Educational Needs)?


Ever get the feeling you're playing to a, er, minority audience....

kek-w said...

Yeah, but it's never stopped me before :-)

"filtered through layers of Special Educational Needs"...lol!

I would it make a good sitcom, I reckon...set in a know-know-what...a bit like the smoking-room but with window-licking. But some joyless PC-riddled fart at the Beeb would probably complain about the pilot show.

Lufton Manor pickled walnuts. Pickled plums...Lufton Manor fruit-cake. Lufton Manor goosenberry jam. Lufton Manor 48-track digital studio and multi-media facility. Residential Yoga and Feng-Shui courses at Lufton Manor. Lufton Manor artist-in-residence Chris Oliffe. The Lufton Man Players present 'Crash-out Colin' starring King Mong...The Lufton Light-Operatics Company present 'The Poirats of Penzaaaanz'....Lufton goes Dogme95...Lufton Manor Arctic Roll...Swiss Roll...Battenberg...Garibaldi...
handmade toilet-paper...

Loki said...

was chris oliffe the elephant poo guy?

not, not that elephant poo guy, the other elephant poo guy?

btw... you're not catching me out, some of those events happened didn't they? tell me you've got the clippings from the Western Gazette...

Molly Bloom said...

This post and your comments are just brilliant. You two are a blackcurrant squeeze of genius.

Do you think Lufton Manor Umbongo sounds good? Now join in...

Umbongo, Umbongo!
They drink it in the...

kek-w said...

Sorry, it's Ofili, not Oliffe...I was having a senior moment. Yeah, he was the dung madonna guy...

I could see him leading workshops out at the Manor...

No, it didn't make any of that up; it's all true...

(nail) clippings to follow

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