18 October 2010
My Top 11 favourite new genres for Christmas 2010:
Gurgle-fi - The sound of an R&B compilation drowning; water filling up the crevices between the road and the Hummer; the slowed-down, slur of a waterboarded Usher, kept by the Moonies...
Ratchet (sometimes Asp, or Asperger's)- wiry, three-step, instrumental techno with a massive filtered sidesweep of massed Cdskip choirs and a 'Parmegianian' rhythmic reluctance. True Ratchet should begin with EQ'd mumblings and end with the Tin Man falling down concrete stairs.
urlingPop - the small 'u' is crucial. Otherwise, pop.
Faunrock - aggressive panpipes, a re-imagined Comus. Faunrock is normally acoustic, with volume crucial but dependent on singing bowl amplification or massed playing. Slightly fascist leanings, vigorously denied. "Faunrock is Panic. Faunrock is Hansel and Gretel. Faunrock opens the harts of the wuds. Faunrock smiles like a slashed face" (from The Faunrock Manifesto)
Relentless - Gabba techno played by string quartets. Increasingly popular at weddings. Began as a postmodern joke and quickly became popular. Social cryptoamnesia at work. Sometimes foul.
Smirk-hop - If beats could be insincere, they'd smirk.
Kohl - The soundtrack to self-harming rituals, guitarless, beatless, yet propulsive proto-shoegaze. Kohl tracks are generally ten minutes or more long with a gradually increasingly tempo, building up a head of oily black steam.
Sliphop - Anticon artists heard through a cardboard tube.
Cthulhop - Dark, unsettling, multi-tentacled, sample-heavy instrumental hiphop. Samples on samples. Depth is all. Only remotely comprehensible on headphones. Cthulhop albums generally have a complete list of (mostly uncleared) samples and literary/film references on the sleeves, often stretching to 5000 words or more.
Yellowbelly - Half-hearted attempts at defunct genres of all kinds, played for laughs. The Barron Knights take on Goth, Gangsta-rap, Punk, Postpunk, Electro etc. Music for people who hate music.
Krave - hardcore for people who have no clue of the score. Or even that there is a score. Or even that a score is a theoretical possibility.