18 October 2010

New Genres

My Top 11 favourite new genres for Christmas 2010:

Gurgle-fi - The sound of an R&B compilation drowning; water filling up the crevices between the road and the Hummer; the slowed-down, slur of a waterboarded Usher, kept by the Moonies...

Ratchet (sometimes Asp, or Asperger's)- wiry, three-step, instrumental techno with a massive filtered sidesweep of massed Cdskip choirs and a 'Parmegianian' rhythmic reluctance. True Ratchet should begin with EQ'd mumblings and end with the Tin Man falling down concrete stairs.

- the small 'u' is crucial. Otherwise, pop.

Faunrock - aggressive panpipes, a re-imagined Comus. Faunrock is normally acoustic, with volume crucial but dependent on singing bowl amplification or massed playing. Slightly fascist leanings, vigorously denied. "Faunrock is Panic. Faunrock is Hansel and Gretel. Faunrock opens the harts of the wuds. Faunrock smiles like a slashed face" (from The Faunrock Manifesto)

Relentless - Gabba techno played by string quartets. Increasingly popular at weddings. Began as a postmodern joke and quickly became popular. Social cryptoamnesia at work. Sometimes foul.

Smirk-hop - If beats could be insincere, they'd smirk.

Kohl - The soundtrack to self-harming rituals, guitarless, beatless, yet propulsive proto-shoegaze. Kohl tracks are generally ten minutes or more long with a gradually increasingly tempo, building up a head of oily black steam.

- Anticon artists heard through a cardboard tube.

Cthulhop - Dark, unsettling, multi-tentacled, sample-heavy instrumental hiphop. Samples on samples. Depth is all. Only remotely comprehensible on headphones. Cthulhop albums generally have a complete list of (mostly uncleared) samples and literary/film references on the sleeves, often stretching to 5000 words or more.

Yellowbelly - Half-hearted attempts at defunct genres of all kinds, played for laughs. The Barron Knights take on Goth, Gangsta-rap, Punk, Postpunk, Electro etc. Music for people who hate music.

Krave - hardcore for people who have no clue of the score. Or even that there is a score. Or even that a score is a theoretical possibility.


Pete Um said...

All very good but that Anticon one made me piss myself!

Loki said...

DISCLAIMER: An Idiot's Guide To Dreaming (and associates herein) cannot be held accountable (or responsible) for any (or all) laughter-induced (or other associated affective instablities) damage to clothes (or persons)

Clumsy & Shy said...

I DID laugh out loud

Pete Um said...

I'm fumbling around in the dark here as usual but there's something appropriately tragic about an era where the interestingness of the funniness of a made-up sub-genre is more arresting than the concept-nibble of most underground market-chunks.I mean, we almost need Faunrock just to have something to hold onto (at arm's length)and know that there's such a thing as having a laugh.

Martin said...

Hi, I must take issue with your description of Faunrock as having 'slightly fascist leanings'. This is part of a depressing trend in which the displaced brats of country squires have mindlessly fetishised contemporary urbanism to the extent that anything that reeks of wet bark 'must have' inevitably sprung from the mouldy bunkers of the Third Reich. Fauns still regularly congregate around Hampstead Heath on weekday nights and have been known to panic the bladders off those who cross their paths (particularly the faun women). As one would expect from this infantilised nation's gutter press, though, whenever a faun assists a jilted and lost cruiser to find his way back out of the foliage and onto Heath Street, the story is never reported.

Loki said...

Point accepted Martin, but just because we're lost doesn't mean we're jilted. Cheeky monkey...

Pete - I...er... I think I need to read that comment again... I've just seen some blood coming out my ear and when you can actually see it, it's time to take stock... but 'made-up sub-genre' WTF?

related to this:

Clumsy (this is getting silly now..) - I'm still struggling to find what's funny; this was supposed to be an earnest impression / appreciation of the new scenes as they build - I've got to get me on an irony course quick as hell cos I'm turning into that Rob Newman Daytime TV character cursed with a sarcastic voice...

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