Well, in New Beat records they do... perhaps it's the same woman, drafted in by the producers to lay on the mixing desk and get fruity (after all, practically every New Beat record was by the same Belgian chaps wasn't it ?)
And she's not entirely dissimilar to the girl on the Psychic TV Theme 3 record who's doing much the same kind of thing and whom I'd always assumed to be Paula P Orridge... perhaps there's just a collective consciousness with regard to taped female orgasms in that as soon as the sex sounds are captured and transferred they immediately morph into some kinda Mother Earth sex sigh?
Anyway, the New Beat records I mean are the real New Beat records, the ones with girls wearing nasty Mel and Kim hats, the ones where the cover girls are wearing just shadows (and sometimes uncomfortable looking vinyl), the ones where everyones extorting the virtues of face-sitting and sucking...
(quintessentially oral, it's no wonder these records rode the last waves of the 1980s - they smell of SexMoney, they sound like Stock, Aitken and Waterman trapped inside a sex aid)
I mean the cheap ones (to produce, the buggers were pushing £6 on import, only to sucker their cling film against the cold plastic bars of the bargain bins) not their richer, more brutal cousins like Front 242 and the bodybeat boys...
These real New Beat records on Antler and Subway were the great lost genre, slipping under almost every radar, pulsing out their simplistic take on sex and flesh with no one really taking any notice...
No one, it seems except me and the Kek and Gutterbreakz and Psychbloke and probably Farmer Glitch and maybe Cloudboy and I think Kempernorton might be into them too...
I was around 16 when I listened to New Beat, me and a little friend unwrapping the plastic and getting ready to sex up (back then, I could tell the difference between the orgasmic sighs, I swear)... the records sounded exactly like a 16 year old viewed sex; a mysterious, sensual cavern (ah, the reverb!); the gynaecological equivalent of wraparound shades... in fact, despite all the porno samples and Karen Finley shoving watermelons up her arse again (maybe I dreamed that) these records were oddly sexless, as if the real sex had been sucked out and replaced by a kind of robotised simulcra, a neat little pre-packaged bundle of nervous ambition and childish rebellion, just right for my 16 year old ears...
I loved those records and I bought more of them than I ever did original Chicago House 12s or Acid House white labels (Royal House? Jack Frost? Fuck that shit... I'm gonna jack with the Erotic Dissidents... )
I loved the fact that the covers were so shit they wrappd all the way around and came out on the cool side again.
I loved the way that you always knew how they'd sound, just from looking at the titles.
I loved the way that sex turned out nowhere near as dark and sparkly as that in real life - save a few bleak encounters with chicken scratching Siouxsie freaks...
These were truly great dance records; you could put your feet wide apart, keep them there and just use your shoulders and elbows to throw odd machine shapes out into the world...
I loved the way there was almost a fashion for calling it 'Sexbeat' but it never quite caught on...
I even loved the fact that, sometimes, the porno samples would be slightly edited so the really rude bits would be blanked or replaced by an electric storm or a drum beat. I loved the fact that these pervy Belgians were actually being kinda coy about the whole thing...
Anyway, the reason I'm on about all this is because Nick Gutterbreakz sent me a copy of the V/VM tribute to New Beat 12" and it's put me in a fantastically good mood... in fact, it's way better than most of the original New Beat songs while pushing more or less exactly the same buttons. This is the kind of thing I'd be fighting over with my little friends at the bargain bins in Acorn Records, this is the kind of thing that would dilute sex sufficiently to allow me access again, this is the kind of thing that makes me wonder just who is that orgasmic girl (she's all over the place in the V/Vm record, makes you tired even listening to her)...
You want to hear more about this record then go to Kek's place, where he does the kind of dissection I could never improve on and then track the record down because it's awesome in every way and will make you smile until your teeth fall out...
Thanks Nick! The Newbeat arrival starts there...
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