29 January 2005

Millions Living Will Never Sleep


After some initial research funded by a generous, though time-spatial, loan from TTSB inc. (Those That Stain Blue) we have come to the following conclusions:

1) There is no way to find or define the 'You' in the sentence: 'That cardigan suits you.' It now has to be assumed missing and dead.

2) That the long-sought, seldom investigated so-called Secret of Immortality is indeed a malfunction of the Sleep-Wake cycle, as first suggested by Krunk et al (1988)*. Specifically, the secret appears to lie in the behaviour of what has been termed 'sleep denial' or being awake for ever.


Sleep and Death lifting Sarpedon

While there has been a little research in this area - see for example the account of Peter Tripp and world record holder Randy Gardner - our investigation concluded that these experiments failed in one important aspect; they discontinued before the final barriers had been swept aside. Even Randy, surely a pioneer in his field, only managed to stay awake for 11 days, by our reckoning at least 8 days too short.

After some initial testing, we concluded that only one factor is responsible for the current crop of failures in sleep deprivation exercises, namely: people don't have enough things to do that keep them awake. The most successful candidates were seemingly able to motivate themselves into action by going outside, changing long-player records, splashing their faces with cold water, making up poems, writing etc. Sleep Denial is therefore seen as a function of effort / willpower and not biology. The key to immortality then can be summarised as this:

You need to find enough reasons to stay awake indefinitely

Of course, the corollary to this is: you need to find enough things to do in full consciousness forever because, once the 20 day limit has been exceeded, any subsequent sleep has a tendency to result in cerebral haemorrhaging and/or bodily temperature malfunction, both of which result in fatal internal injuries and/or permanent damage to the organs. While sleep appears to be unecessary, and ought now to be regarded as the main determinant in re-setting the Bio-Clock's Death Function, sleep deprivation appears to accelerate the death-drive process if it is subsequently replaced by (even temporary) loss of consciousness.

In 14 subjects, all of whom exceeded the 20 day sleep deprivationb limit and then slept for between 1 and 56hrs, only 2 have survived, one of them with the loss of an eye.

On the other hand, of those 18 patients who have exceeded the limit and not subsequently fallen asleep, only 1 has showed any signs of physical imperfection or illness.


It is our conclusion that, after 23 years of collecting what is quaintly become known as things to do forever in the AllNow (preparatory listings to follow) and in collaboration with the kind people at SleepDeath Consolidated, we are now ready to begin the final stages of our experiment. We're turning the lights on.

Ladies and Gentlemen: millions now living will never sleep.

Sleep - Inside The Sun

Sleep - Wall of Yawn

Both taken from Stonerrock.Com

* Krunk et al (1988) The Everlasting Pulse: an investigation into Fuselian Sleep Entities, Hank & Storey, New York

1 comment:

Psychbloke said...

That's module four buggered then....

And it'll be your fault if the coursework is knocked down.....

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